It’s a matter of motivation…
So, we’re back at it again. A second blog/journal post incoming, let us discover if I still have something to say or if this is yet another failed attempt to get something off the ground. I am taking this as a small victory in the name of ‘commitment to change’.
I went over in my last post a brief history of me and the changes I have been looking to make over the past few years. If that has not bored you to sleep or rolled you into an early grave, let us proceed by my saying, none of this came easy, it wasn’t anyone’s fault other than my own, my lack of drive or passion to push forward with the task at hand. Sure, there were excuses. There is no doubt that witnessing the death of a loved one at such an early age, followed again by the loss of grandparents, parental figures and close friends, shapes who you are and how hard you make an effort at life. There becomes a stench of sadness and desperation to life, you begin to feel as if the world owes you something and I no doubt became a very resentful person because of it.
However, there seems to have come to a point in time when I have clearly decided that enough was enough. I cannot pinpoint it precisely, nor can I say that it was simply an overnight change. It has been a slow, dragged out process with so many, many setbacks along the way. Most of which came from me making the same fatal mistake with my decision making over and over again, thinking that ‘things would be different this time’. It’s important to write this down, look back and admire the progress that you make and truly comprehend the gravity of it all. It feels so, so good to be out of the stress inducing cycle
This all feels like waffling, I really do promise to you all that this will get better and a point will come along at some point. If you’re thinking this is already becoming something rather self aggrandizing and pampering up my ego, I completely understand. This is me trying to work out the kinks and loosen up. It must be a little strange to read someone’s writing and see the conflict boiling within themselves as they go. I promise I’ll pick a point and stick to it…
The most important thing in all of this, is just to keep writing! No matter the quality of it, just keep going. Find the motivation to keep going and hope that in the future it will get easier and the results more satisfactory, something to be proud of. Or at least, not that ashamed of. It’s a Wednesday afternoon and the weather outside is grey, cold and depressing. Lola is asleep in her cosy corner of the living room, just to the right of the tattered and beaten up sofa, whilst Walter has snuck off to hide in the safety of a bedroom whilst just before I started on this, I knocked out a news release article for Rock Sins magazine. It is still very new to me that, at 35 Years of age, I am starting down a brand new career path.
This has been a pretty sudden life decision, and it’s one I have questioned almost daily. It is incredibly exciting though, and I get a little rush everytime I get a new piece of work published. Celebrating the little victories has become a bigger deal.
Meanwhile, I have spent the entire time of this writing avoiding mentioning that I will be taking part in the CrossFit Open. My reluctance stems from the residue of embarrassment I feel for succumbing and joining a cult. My shame is foolish and I am trying hard to rid myself of it because this ‘cult’ has dramatically and overwhelmingly changed my life in the best possible way. My confidence and energy has skyrocketed through the roof and I’m excited to step into a gym everyday, to work on brand new things I never thought I could possibly achieve just one Year ago. Some are allowed to find this kind of excitement basic, boring or shallow. Others will understand just how important this kind of newfound betterment to get up and move is.
And at the end of the day, It’s a matter of motivation…
